When someone dies people close to the person or family members often feel two emotions other than grief. Anger and regret.
I do not experience those emotions. Even when my beloved Gerard died so abruptly I did not feel angry with God....at least not that I can recall. I felt disappointed. I still feel some disappointment. I do not believe that he deserved to exit the stage just as his starring role was coming up. When Lottie Bell (my grandad's sister) left me I felt so lost, but never angry. She lived a full life. I understood why God would want her in heaven.
With the death of both my beloveds, I never experienced feelings of regret. I do not regret anything in my relationships with either. Yes I was hard on Gerard. Yes I always challenged him to dig deeper, to be better, but it was all out of love. After I moved to Atlanta in 2008 anytime I spoke to Lottie Bell and she mentioned that she missed me it was time to come home. I didn't want her missing me. She gave me everything I ever needed in life, I had to give her what she needed.
It's so cliche to say "give people their flowers while they are alive". How many of us do it though? That is the reason for the feelings of anger and regret. You didn't do what you should have while your loved one was alive. Change that. Quit being "too busy" for phone calls, text messages, and family gatherings. Spend time with those who truly matter. Time is priceless. No matter how much you work, you will never be able to afford it.
#ForeverGerard
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
Saturday, May 12, 2018
Mother's Day
Dear Gerard,
Mother's Day is approaching and I have been dreading it since your funeral. I didn't want your mom to be without you on Mother's Day. You were her world. I wish heaven had visiting hours. I'd sell everything to give her one more hour with you. It would be money well spent. We will have a family gathering and I will do my best to get her to come over. For the first time no one will be asking me where you are. Wow! Another stupid thing I miss about you. Anytime I was around classmates or family everyone would ask me where you were. I would sometime ask if I am your keeper. I wish I was still your keeper.
I am giggling because you brought the beer to our last family reunion and Cory asked for Mike's Hard Lemonade (by mistake so he said). You fussed so on the phone because you didn't want anyone to see you buying that "fake beer" as you called it. Then when you arrived you demanded Cory drink the entire case since he embarrassed you by asking for it. LOL.
I've been trying to think of what you would buy Geri (as you called her when you was made at her) for Mother's Day. I would love to surprise her with something. If you can help me out by sending me a sign I really would appreciate it.
Before you passed you took her shopping. Perhaps unconsciously you was giving her her gift early. I doubt anything I could give her would compare to the last thing you gave her. Still I would like to try. I feel so compelled to try. I am hoping to see Maya and Daniel this weekend as well.
I miss you. We all miss you.
Mother's Day you would have called me to tell me that I had to be at church because Granny wanted us to go. Which really meant you volunteered me to go with y'all. You always did what Granny wanted. Stupid little brown noser. LOL.
Loving you and missing you every second. Look at that you got something you loved, my undivided attention.
Blowing kisses to the sky.
#ForeverGerard
Mother's Day is approaching and I have been dreading it since your funeral. I didn't want your mom to be without you on Mother's Day. You were her world. I wish heaven had visiting hours. I'd sell everything to give her one more hour with you. It would be money well spent. We will have a family gathering and I will do my best to get her to come over. For the first time no one will be asking me where you are. Wow! Another stupid thing I miss about you. Anytime I was around classmates or family everyone would ask me where you were. I would sometime ask if I am your keeper. I wish I was still your keeper.
I am giggling because you brought the beer to our last family reunion and Cory asked for Mike's Hard Lemonade (by mistake so he said). You fussed so on the phone because you didn't want anyone to see you buying that "fake beer" as you called it. Then when you arrived you demanded Cory drink the entire case since he embarrassed you by asking for it. LOL.
I've been trying to think of what you would buy Geri (as you called her when you was made at her) for Mother's Day. I would love to surprise her with something. If you can help me out by sending me a sign I really would appreciate it.
Before you passed you took her shopping. Perhaps unconsciously you was giving her her gift early. I doubt anything I could give her would compare to the last thing you gave her. Still I would like to try. I feel so compelled to try. I am hoping to see Maya and Daniel this weekend as well.
I miss you. We all miss you.
Mother's Day you would have called me to tell me that I had to be at church because Granny wanted us to go. Which really meant you volunteered me to go with y'all. You always did what Granny wanted. Stupid little brown noser. LOL.
Loving you and missing you every second. Look at that you got something you loved, my undivided attention.
Blowing kisses to the sky.
#ForeverGerard
Friday, May 11, 2018
I Only Love My Bed and My Mama
Dear Gerard,
Drake's lyrics instantly take me to my memories of you in high school.
"I only love my bed and my mama. I'm sorry"
This was quintessential you. LOL. Another stupid thing etched in my mind now that you are gone. Before you passed it was one of the conversations I intended to have with you. I remember the Kendrick Lamar inspired shirt you had and I felt like you needed a Drake inspired one as well.
Do you remember the song, Shawty Swing My Way? I can't help but smile as I remember your "stirring wheel" dance. That was our favorite car song in high school. Thinking back on it it probably wasn't the best idea to dance while driving a stick-shift but we were invincible. Or so we thought. I can't help but think that your invincibility is what kept you quiet. Telling myself that that was stupid on your part gives me two seconds of relief from my pain. Nothing more than two seconds because I quickly dismiss the thought. I don't want to be angry with you even if it means I will miss you less.
Thinking about it now, you were invincible....you are invincible. Your love and charisma is unmatched, it cannot be destroyed, and it will transcend time. Look at that, once again you were right even when you were wrong.
I miss you.
#ForeverGerard
Drake's lyrics instantly take me to my memories of you in high school.
"I only love my bed and my mama. I'm sorry"
This was quintessential you. LOL. Another stupid thing etched in my mind now that you are gone. Before you passed it was one of the conversations I intended to have with you. I remember the Kendrick Lamar inspired shirt you had and I felt like you needed a Drake inspired one as well.
Do you remember the song, Shawty Swing My Way? I can't help but smile as I remember your "stirring wheel" dance. That was our favorite car song in high school. Thinking back on it it probably wasn't the best idea to dance while driving a stick-shift but we were invincible. Or so we thought. I can't help but think that your invincibility is what kept you quiet. Telling myself that that was stupid on your part gives me two seconds of relief from my pain. Nothing more than two seconds because I quickly dismiss the thought. I don't want to be angry with you even if it means I will miss you less.
Thinking about it now, you were invincible....you are invincible. Your love and charisma is unmatched, it cannot be destroyed, and it will transcend time. Look at that, once again you were right even when you were wrong.
I miss you.
#ForeverGerard
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
30 Days Later
Dear Gerard,
Today marks a month since you left us so unexpectedly. I find myself wondering if you can see us and hear our thoughts of you. I am not sure if knowing the answer would impact me at all. I guess its just another frivolous question I may never know the answer to.
Since you been gone Diddy has been very active on IG and Facebook or maybe now I am noticing his posts. Not sure if there is a tie-in...anyhoo every time I see him I am reminded of you. Do you remember when I told you that you look like Puff Daddy (his name at the time)? Do you remember what you said? You said Puff Daddy looked like his breath stank. LOL. A few months a later a girl told you the same thing then suddenly resembling Puff Daddy was a good thing. Typical Gerard.
I am going to see your mom this weekend. I think about her everyday. I should probably call her more often, but I really don't know what to say. I would rather sit with her and possibly make her laugh. Or if she doesn't feel like talking we can just sit together in silence.
We did that the day after you passed. Kim Morgan drove up to your house and I reluctantly went. It's not that I didn't want to see her or Maya. I just wasn't ready to face the reality of what it's like to be in that house without you. Yeah I have been there a few times without you. I actually think I saw that house before you. When I arrived I wasn't able to speak and I could barely see....I just wanted to be near you again. Your house is the last place where you were you so inside I had to go. For a couple of hours your mom and I just sat in the guest room alone. There was a pile of clean clothes by the window. I knew it was your pile. I dug through the pile and found your gray DJ Niro shirt. I held it in my lap and tried to figure out what it all meant. When your mom came in the room with me she kept saying, "I don't know what this means." I felt the exact same way. People were saying that you was dead, but what did that mean? I desperately wanted an answer for your mom, but I could not conceive one. There was so little say in those hours. I knew I would never be able to comfort her. I just needed her to know she was not alone. That is my constant prayer for my aunt Geraldine, I need her to know she's not alone despite how she feels. It's also my promise to you. We will visit her as often as possible, we will cherish your memory with her, and we will love her as you did.
Missing you is something I will never get beyond. It is my hope though that one day I will be able to think of you longer than thirty seconds and not feel tears in my eyes. It is my desire that I will still remember your voice so clearly in my mind thirty years from now like I can thirty days later. I hope that we will all regain some normalcy again bonded stronger than before. Perhaps we will all sit around Nick's fire pit laughing together as we did while you were here. For now I am settling for twenty second thoughts of you that make me smile.
Love you......blowing kisses at the sky. I hope they reach your smile.
#ForeverGerard
Today marks a month since you left us so unexpectedly. I find myself wondering if you can see us and hear our thoughts of you. I am not sure if knowing the answer would impact me at all. I guess its just another frivolous question I may never know the answer to.
Since you been gone Diddy has been very active on IG and Facebook or maybe now I am noticing his posts. Not sure if there is a tie-in...anyhoo every time I see him I am reminded of you. Do you remember when I told you that you look like Puff Daddy (his name at the time)? Do you remember what you said? You said Puff Daddy looked like his breath stank. LOL. A few months a later a girl told you the same thing then suddenly resembling Puff Daddy was a good thing. Typical Gerard.
I am going to see your mom this weekend. I think about her everyday. I should probably call her more often, but I really don't know what to say. I would rather sit with her and possibly make her laugh. Or if she doesn't feel like talking we can just sit together in silence.
We did that the day after you passed. Kim Morgan drove up to your house and I reluctantly went. It's not that I didn't want to see her or Maya. I just wasn't ready to face the reality of what it's like to be in that house without you. Yeah I have been there a few times without you. I actually think I saw that house before you. When I arrived I wasn't able to speak and I could barely see....I just wanted to be near you again. Your house is the last place where you were you so inside I had to go. For a couple of hours your mom and I just sat in the guest room alone. There was a pile of clean clothes by the window. I knew it was your pile. I dug through the pile and found your gray DJ Niro shirt. I held it in my lap and tried to figure out what it all meant. When your mom came in the room with me she kept saying, "I don't know what this means." I felt the exact same way. People were saying that you was dead, but what did that mean? I desperately wanted an answer for your mom, but I could not conceive one. There was so little say in those hours. I knew I would never be able to comfort her. I just needed her to know she was not alone. That is my constant prayer for my aunt Geraldine, I need her to know she's not alone despite how she feels. It's also my promise to you. We will visit her as often as possible, we will cherish your memory with her, and we will love her as you did.
Missing you is something I will never get beyond. It is my hope though that one day I will be able to think of you longer than thirty seconds and not feel tears in my eyes. It is my desire that I will still remember your voice so clearly in my mind thirty years from now like I can thirty days later. I hope that we will all regain some normalcy again bonded stronger than before. Perhaps we will all sit around Nick's fire pit laughing together as we did while you were here. For now I am settling for twenty second thoughts of you that make me smile.
Love you......blowing kisses at the sky. I hope they reach your smile.
#ForeverGerard
Monday, May 7, 2018
Grief Is A Journey
Dear Gerard,
According to the world of psychology there are five stages of grief.
DENIAL
ANGER
BARGAINING
DEPRESSION
ACCEPTANCE
As I said before, anger I have mastered. I have been angry with God and other family members (I won't say their names) as a result of your death. I didn't speak to God for 17 days after your death. I didn't say the prayers at your funeral or afterwards. I didn't understand why we were supposed to pray. You were gone. What was I supposed to pray for? A miracle? Everyone was praying for that....well almost everyone. My denial would not allow me to pray for that. I wasn't fully convinced that you were gone. Honestly, I am still not quite there. I spent the first week after your passing waiting on you to call me and tell me about the crazy mix-up. I am still waiting for that call in my heart, but my mind knows it will never come.
I am semi-interested to see what the next stage of grief will bring me. Bargaining. What will I bargain for? Perhaps I will bypass that stage to stay in the anger stage a little longer. I will tell you about it when I get there.
The depression stage sounds very scary. Plus I think that depression should come after anger. Doesn't that seem more natural? I mentioned before that I am working on keeping my composure. I have cried off two sets of lashes after you died. I refuse to cry off another set. That would be a waste of money. That's just my excuse, but you probably knew that. I am afraid that if I allow myself to cry I may never stop. I literally cried for 36 hours after that dreadful phone call. The week after we buried you is still a blur up until that Thursday after. I do not want to wallow in my sorrow. You didn't wallow after uncle Lawrence passed. I kept waiting on you to have your moment, but it never came. You were incredibly strong for your mom and Cameron.
Do you remember the Saturday before we buried your dad when you stopped outside my mom's house? You was headed to the hardware store and I offered to ride with you? You probably don't because it was an insignificant moment really, I am not sure why I remember it. Anyway, I hopped in the car with you that morning because I wanted to be alone with you to see how you was doing. For as long as I can remember I could always feel you in my spirit. I knew when you was okay and when you weren't. Remember how I knew you had been in a car accident before anyone told me what happened? Anyway, as we rode to Short and Paulk you had this calm spirit about you. It was truly remarkable. I wish I could remember that entire conversation, but I guess I will have to settle for what I do recall about that conversation. Reflecting on it all now, perhaps all of that was setting me up for this moment right now. More memories of me and you. I still think you should have given me those sunglasses. You know that just fueled my lust for Ray-Bans. We always had similar flashy taste. We can blame that on Rowena.
Maintaining our composure is probably one of our most unifying quality, we do what we have to do when we have to do it. All of those times Laurastene or Lottie Bell was in the hospital and things looked so grim I did my best to stay stoic. Just like you did.....just like you did. As I am typing I am thinking about your daddy's repass. Again that's a story for another day. Not sure if you can hear me in heaven, but if you can tell my Pig we miss him too. I like to imagine that y'all are all together, you, uncle Lawrence, Lottie Bell, and granddaddy Fred we never met.
Love you Black Boy!
Blowing kisses at the sky!
#ForeverGerard
According to the world of psychology there are five stages of grief.
DENIAL
ANGER
BARGAINING
DEPRESSION
ACCEPTANCE
As I said before, anger I have mastered. I have been angry with God and other family members (I won't say their names) as a result of your death. I didn't speak to God for 17 days after your death. I didn't say the prayers at your funeral or afterwards. I didn't understand why we were supposed to pray. You were gone. What was I supposed to pray for? A miracle? Everyone was praying for that....well almost everyone. My denial would not allow me to pray for that. I wasn't fully convinced that you were gone. Honestly, I am still not quite there. I spent the first week after your passing waiting on you to call me and tell me about the crazy mix-up. I am still waiting for that call in my heart, but my mind knows it will never come.
I am semi-interested to see what the next stage of grief will bring me. Bargaining. What will I bargain for? Perhaps I will bypass that stage to stay in the anger stage a little longer. I will tell you about it when I get there.
The depression stage sounds very scary. Plus I think that depression should come after anger. Doesn't that seem more natural? I mentioned before that I am working on keeping my composure. I have cried off two sets of lashes after you died. I refuse to cry off another set. That would be a waste of money. That's just my excuse, but you probably knew that. I am afraid that if I allow myself to cry I may never stop. I literally cried for 36 hours after that dreadful phone call. The week after we buried you is still a blur up until that Thursday after. I do not want to wallow in my sorrow. You didn't wallow after uncle Lawrence passed. I kept waiting on you to have your moment, but it never came. You were incredibly strong for your mom and Cameron.
Do you remember the Saturday before we buried your dad when you stopped outside my mom's house? You was headed to the hardware store and I offered to ride with you? You probably don't because it was an insignificant moment really, I am not sure why I remember it. Anyway, I hopped in the car with you that morning because I wanted to be alone with you to see how you was doing. For as long as I can remember I could always feel you in my spirit. I knew when you was okay and when you weren't. Remember how I knew you had been in a car accident before anyone told me what happened? Anyway, as we rode to Short and Paulk you had this calm spirit about you. It was truly remarkable. I wish I could remember that entire conversation, but I guess I will have to settle for what I do recall about that conversation. Reflecting on it all now, perhaps all of that was setting me up for this moment right now. More memories of me and you. I still think you should have given me those sunglasses. You know that just fueled my lust for Ray-Bans. We always had similar flashy taste. We can blame that on Rowena.
Maintaining our composure is probably one of our most unifying quality, we do what we have to do when we have to do it. All of those times Laurastene or Lottie Bell was in the hospital and things looked so grim I did my best to stay stoic. Just like you did.....just like you did. As I am typing I am thinking about your daddy's repass. Again that's a story for another day. Not sure if you can hear me in heaven, but if you can tell my Pig we miss him too. I like to imagine that y'all are all together, you, uncle Lawrence, Lottie Bell, and granddaddy Fred we never met.
Love you Black Boy!
Blowing kisses at the sky!
#ForeverGerard
Saturday, May 5, 2018
Only Saints Die
Have you ever noticed that only saints die? When someone dies all you ever hear is how saintly the person was.
Mourner A - "Big John was a good man! I remember the time he saved three small squirrels."
Mourner B - "Yes! Yes! I was there! Big John saved them!"
Big John could have been an ax murderer for thirty years who never recycled, but you will never hear any mention of the negativity the moment Big John passes away. Why is that?
This is a question I have asked myself for years. Since my beloved passed away I find myself flooded with positive memories. I smile and cry all at the same time. However I am able to admit that he was far from a saint, but he never had malice in his heart. For thirty-seven years no one could get under my skin the way he did. But on the flip side there wasn't anyone else I wanted to share my milestones with.
So perhaps it's not that only saints die, but only the love that was in his or her heart that matters to those left behind. I don't know. Maybe I am right, but I could be wrong. Maybe positivity lightens the enormity of the sorrow we bear after a death.
Blowing kisses at the sky!
#ForeverGerard
Mourner A - "Big John was a good man! I remember the time he saved three small squirrels."
Mourner B - "Yes! Yes! I was there! Big John saved them!"
Big John could have been an ax murderer for thirty years who never recycled, but you will never hear any mention of the negativity the moment Big John passes away. Why is that?
This is a question I have asked myself for years. Since my beloved passed away I find myself flooded with positive memories. I smile and cry all at the same time. However I am able to admit that he was far from a saint, but he never had malice in his heart. For thirty-seven years no one could get under my skin the way he did. But on the flip side there wasn't anyone else I wanted to share my milestones with.
So perhaps it's not that only saints die, but only the love that was in his or her heart that matters to those left behind. I don't know. Maybe I am right, but I could be wrong. Maybe positivity lightens the enormity of the sorrow we bear after a death.
Blowing kisses at the sky!
#ForeverGerard
Thursday, May 3, 2018
I Can't Reconcile My Feelings
Gerard,
Lately you have been on my mind more than usual if that is even possible. Someone in the family gave me some secondhand news about you that I cannot shake. Apparently, this burden is harder to bare than I realized because all day long at work people keep asking me if I am okay. I give the typical Gerard answer "I'm good," but no one believes me. Like the song says "it's written all over my face." I do not know if I will ever get used to missing you. I don't know if I ever want that feeling of hurt to leave me. I do know though that I cannot reconcile my feelings about you.
In my spirit I feel as if you knew something that needed to be shared. Knowing you as well as I did I know exactly why you didn't share the information, but damn Gerard I really wish you had. All of this is somehow making me feel as if I didn't do my job. My uncle asked me to look out for you and take care of you. I did it the best way I knew how. Despite my best efforts something important fell through the cracks. And now no matter what I do or how hard I pray, I cannot turn back the hands of time.
Damn Gerard......
I don't know if you let me down or if I failed you. Now there's nothing anyone can do.
I wish I could be angry with you because that would probably make missing you so much easier, but I can't be mad at you. I don't think I have ever been mad at you longer than a day. Who can stay mad at their best friend who always forces a hug on you and smiles.
And while this is over Gerard, it's not over. You owe me some answers.
Until then...... I am blowing kisses to the sky for you.
#ForeverGerard
Lately you have been on my mind more than usual if that is even possible. Someone in the family gave me some secondhand news about you that I cannot shake. Apparently, this burden is harder to bare than I realized because all day long at work people keep asking me if I am okay. I give the typical Gerard answer "I'm good," but no one believes me. Like the song says "it's written all over my face." I do not know if I will ever get used to missing you. I don't know if I ever want that feeling of hurt to leave me. I do know though that I cannot reconcile my feelings about you.
In my spirit I feel as if you knew something that needed to be shared. Knowing you as well as I did I know exactly why you didn't share the information, but damn Gerard I really wish you had. All of this is somehow making me feel as if I didn't do my job. My uncle asked me to look out for you and take care of you. I did it the best way I knew how. Despite my best efforts something important fell through the cracks. And now no matter what I do or how hard I pray, I cannot turn back the hands of time.
Damn Gerard......
I don't know if you let me down or if I failed you. Now there's nothing anyone can do.
I wish I could be angry with you because that would probably make missing you so much easier, but I can't be mad at you. I don't think I have ever been mad at you longer than a day. Who can stay mad at their best friend who always forces a hug on you and smiles.
And while this is over Gerard, it's not over. You owe me some answers.
Until then...... I am blowing kisses to the sky for you.
#ForeverGerard
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