Grief Is A Journey

Dear Gerard,

According to the world of psychology there are five stages of grief.
DENIAL
ANGER
BARGAINING
DEPRESSION
ACCEPTANCE

As I said before, anger I have mastered.  I have been angry with God and other family members (I won't say their names) as a result of your death.  I didn't speak to God for 17 days after your death.  I didn't say the prayers at your funeral or afterwards.  I didn't understand why we were supposed to pray.  You were gone.  What was I supposed to pray for?  A miracle?  Everyone was praying for that....well almost everyone.  My denial would not allow me to pray for that.  I wasn't fully convinced that you were gone.  Honestly, I am still not quite there.  I spent the first week after your passing waiting on you to call me and tell me about the crazy mix-up.  I am still waiting for that call in my heart, but my mind knows it will never come.

I am semi-interested to see what the next stage of grief will bring me.  Bargaining.  What will I bargain for?  Perhaps I will bypass that stage to stay in the anger stage a little longer.  I will tell you about it when I get there.

The depression stage sounds very scary.  Plus I think that depression should come after anger.  Doesn't that seem more natural?  I mentioned before that I am working on keeping my composure.  I have cried off two sets of lashes after you died.  I refuse to cry off another set.  That would be a waste of money.  That's just my excuse, but you probably knew that.  I am afraid that if I allow myself to cry I may never stop.  I literally cried for 36 hours after that dreadful phone call.  The week after we buried you is still a blur up until that Thursday after.  I do not want to wallow in my sorrow.  You didn't wallow after uncle Lawrence passed.  I kept waiting on you to have your moment, but it never came.  You were incredibly strong for your mom and Cameron.

Do you remember the Saturday before we buried your dad when you stopped outside my mom's house?  You was headed to the hardware store and I offered to ride with you?  You probably don't because it was an insignificant moment really, I am not sure why I remember it.  Anyway, I hopped in the car with you that morning because I wanted to be alone with you to see how you was doing.  For as long as I can remember I could always feel you in my spirit.  I knew when you was okay and when you weren't.  Remember how I knew you had been in a car accident before anyone told me what happened?  Anyway, as we rode to Short and Paulk you had this calm spirit about you.  It was truly remarkable.  I wish I could remember that entire conversation, but I guess I will have to settle for what I do recall about that conversation.  Reflecting on it all now, perhaps all of that was setting me up for this moment right now.  More memories of me and you.  I still think you should have given me those sunglasses.  You know that just fueled my lust for Ray-Bans.  We always had similar flashy taste.  We can blame that on Rowena.

Maintaining our composure is probably one of our most unifying quality, we do what we have to do when we have to do it.  All of those times Laurastene or Lottie Bell was in the hospital and things looked so grim I did my best to stay stoic.  Just like you did.....just like you did.  As I am typing I am thinking about your daddy's repass.  Again that's a story for another day.  Not sure if you can hear me in heaven, but if you can tell my Pig we miss him too.  I like to imagine that y'all are all together, you, uncle Lawrence, Lottie Bell, and granddaddy Fred we never met.

Love you Black Boy!

Blowing kisses at the sky!

#ForeverGerard