30 Days Later

Dear Gerard,

Today marks a month since you left us so unexpectedly.  I find myself wondering if you can see us and hear our thoughts of you.  I am not sure if knowing the answer would impact me at all.  I guess its just another frivolous question I may never know the answer to. 

Since you been gone Diddy has been very active on IG and Facebook or maybe now I am noticing his posts.  Not sure if there is a tie-in...anyhoo every time I see him I am reminded of you.  Do you remember when I told you that you look like Puff Daddy (his name at the time)?  Do you remember what you said?  You said Puff Daddy looked like his breath stank.  LOL.  A few months a later a girl told you the same thing then suddenly resembling Puff Daddy was a good thing.  Typical Gerard.

I am going to see your mom this weekend.  I think about her everyday.  I should probably call her more often, but I really don't know what to say.  I would rather sit with her and possibly make her laugh.  Or if she doesn't feel like talking we can just sit together in silence.

We did that the day after you passed.  Kim Morgan drove up to your house and I reluctantly went.  It's not that I didn't want to see her or Maya.  I just wasn't ready to face the reality of what it's like to be in that house without you.  Yeah I have been there a few times without you.  I actually think I saw that house before you.  When I arrived I wasn't able to speak and I could barely see....I just wanted to be near you again.  Your house is the last place where you were you so inside I had to go.  For a couple of hours your mom and I just sat in the guest room alone.  There was a pile of clean clothes by the window.  I knew it was your pile.  I dug through the pile and found your gray DJ Niro shirt.  I held it in my lap and tried to figure out what it all meant.  When your mom came in the room with me she kept saying, "I don't know what this means."  I felt the exact same way.  People were saying that you was dead, but what did that mean?  I desperately wanted an answer for your mom, but I could not conceive one.  There was so little say in those hours.  I knew I would never be able to comfort her.  I just needed her to know she was not alone.  That is my constant prayer for my aunt Geraldine, I need her to know she's not alone despite how she feels.  It's also my promise to you.  We will visit her as often as possible, we will cherish your memory with her, and we will love her as you did.

Missing you is something I will never get beyond.  It is my hope though that one day I will be able to think of you longer than thirty seconds and not feel tears in my eyes.  It is my desire that I will still remember your voice so clearly in my mind thirty years from now like I can thirty days later.  I hope that we will all regain some normalcy again bonded stronger than before.  Perhaps we will all sit around Nick's fire pit laughing together as we did while you were here.  For now I am settling for twenty second thoughts of you that make me smile.

Love you......blowing kisses at the sky.  I hope they reach your smile.

#ForeverGerard