When someone you love dies people often say "You should feel better knowing he or she is with the Lord now."
Umm....No I don't feel better!
I am human and I want my beloved with me! I want to tell him I love him! I want to see him smile and force a hug upon me. I don't know if I will ever be that sanctified, holy, and filled with Christ that I do not grieve. Quite frankly I don't know if I ever want to feel that way. Grieving a person is not only normal, but it is necessary. Why wouldn't you want to miss someone you loved dearly?
Maybe it's just me....
I understand the person who says these words means no harm by them which is why I do not yell obscenities back at him or her. Instead I merely say them in my head.
That's another thing.....do the stages of grief go in order? I have truly mastered the anger stage.
I don't even know if I am making sense. I just had to say these things out loud.
Monday, April 30, 2018
Day 20
Dear Gerard,
It's been twenty days since I received that dreadful call. I can still hear my mama's screams on the phone. I still cannot feel my heart beating inside my chest. My battle to not cry every second of every hour is being won.
Who knew I would miss you this much? My uncle of course (your dad) always told me I would miss you one day. In my wildest dreams I never thought he would be right because I have never imagined my life without you. Not one single day. The day I received news of your passing I could not imagine living one day without you, but here I am twenty days later. I think of Daniel, Cameron, and Maya every day. I need to see them, but I am afraid. I am afraid I will not be able to keep my composure. I refuse to cry in front of them. I know we all miss you. Besides you always counted on me to be strong and stand beside you. I remember the night your daddy died and you called me as you rushed home. You couldn't understand what your mom was saying so you used our system. I always kept you up to date on what was happening in the family. You always called me because I could keep my composure in the worst situations enough to pass along the information.
Man how much I would love for you to call me again so I can ignore your first call because I know with that second phone call the first words out of your mouth will be "Answer the phone woman!" It's funny how you miss the stupidest things when your loved one dies. Over the past twenty days I have been flooded with a million memories of things I miss about you.
You know I have now lived 5 months and 25 days without you.
Missing you everyday!
Blowing kisses at the sky!
#ForeverGerard
It's been twenty days since I received that dreadful call. I can still hear my mama's screams on the phone. I still cannot feel my heart beating inside my chest. My battle to not cry every second of every hour is being won.
Who knew I would miss you this much? My uncle of course (your dad) always told me I would miss you one day. In my wildest dreams I never thought he would be right because I have never imagined my life without you. Not one single day. The day I received news of your passing I could not imagine living one day without you, but here I am twenty days later. I think of Daniel, Cameron, and Maya every day. I need to see them, but I am afraid. I am afraid I will not be able to keep my composure. I refuse to cry in front of them. I know we all miss you. Besides you always counted on me to be strong and stand beside you. I remember the night your daddy died and you called me as you rushed home. You couldn't understand what your mom was saying so you used our system. I always kept you up to date on what was happening in the family. You always called me because I could keep my composure in the worst situations enough to pass along the information.
Man how much I would love for you to call me again so I can ignore your first call because I know with that second phone call the first words out of your mouth will be "Answer the phone woman!" It's funny how you miss the stupidest things when your loved one dies. Over the past twenty days I have been flooded with a million memories of things I miss about you.
You know I have now lived 5 months and 25 days without you.
Missing you everyday!
Blowing kisses at the sky!
#ForeverGerard
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)