Dear Gerard,
I keep thinking about your last Facebook post. I was in my classroom and checked Facebook while my students worked. You announced your new website. I clicked on the link to view what I would later be sharing. You know I always shared your post to help promote your business. I was so proud of you though I don't recall every saying that to you. We expressed ourselves differently. Anyway the first thing I noticed was the sentence on your home page. My first thought was, "Gerard wrote that himself". The sentence was a bit awkward and I intended to help you fix it. After all anytime I would correct your grammar you would always say, "well shit I am not a writer". LOL. How true!
I also intended to point out how I was helping you for free. You believed in getting paid for everything. How I wish you would've been the DJ at our last family reunion. One more memory we all could have had of you. How I wish I had picked up the phone and called you when I read your post, but I didn't think you would answer the phone. You know you never answered the phone. I really wish I had called and given you the new sentence. How I wish you would've called me and asked for my help.
I hope I don't spend my life wishing. My goal is to live as you did, drama free and smiling. Okay so I am not smiling all day everyday. You know that will never be me. Remember you told me I am not "warm and fuzzy" and you were right. I am glad I listened. That's another story for another day.
Blowing kisses at the sky!
#ForeverGerard
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
Step By Step
Dear Gerard,
I find myself wondering why you changed your name when you went off to FAMU. Did it sound cooler? I guess now I will never truly know. I also find myself wondering for the very first time what would have happened had I went to FAM with you. I've never regretted my decision to go to Albany State, but I find myself curious. Would I have cherished those additional years of you being in my back pocket and me being in your front seat? Probably not. We were young and free. How would we have known that 37 years would be all we would have so we needed to make the most of every moment.
Thats the thing about life. It does not come with an expiration date. Would an expiration date have made a difference though. We both know you kept things beyond their expiration. Milk, eggs, and relationships. Speaking of relationships, how many girlfriends of yours did I screen for you? LOL. A few of them I made mad with my questions. I just needed to see where their head was at. I never wanted anyone to change you except you.
Perhaps that answers my first question. Though what I said when I saw your tattoo will always be true. I will never call you Nic, you will forever be Gerard to me. Now that you're gone I guess I will no longer have to explain to your post FAM friends why I call you Gerard. Look at that.....another silly thing I am going to miss. There is one good thing about missing you, it means I cannot forget you. I am fearful of the day my memories of you start to fade. The days when I can no longer hear your voice or feel your hugs in my spirit. I pray that on my death bed whenever that comes (hopefully 75 or more years from now) I will still possess a million memories of you.
I just realized that when we reunite in heaven you will be much younger than me. I bet I will still be better looking though.
Love you Black Boy! Blowing kisses to the sky!
#ForeverGerard
I find myself wondering why you changed your name when you went off to FAMU. Did it sound cooler? I guess now I will never truly know. I also find myself wondering for the very first time what would have happened had I went to FAM with you. I've never regretted my decision to go to Albany State, but I find myself curious. Would I have cherished those additional years of you being in my back pocket and me being in your front seat? Probably not. We were young and free. How would we have known that 37 years would be all we would have so we needed to make the most of every moment.
Thats the thing about life. It does not come with an expiration date. Would an expiration date have made a difference though. We both know you kept things beyond their expiration. Milk, eggs, and relationships. Speaking of relationships, how many girlfriends of yours did I screen for you? LOL. A few of them I made mad with my questions. I just needed to see where their head was at. I never wanted anyone to change you except you.
Perhaps that answers my first question. Though what I said when I saw your tattoo will always be true. I will never call you Nic, you will forever be Gerard to me. Now that you're gone I guess I will no longer have to explain to your post FAM friends why I call you Gerard. Look at that.....another silly thing I am going to miss. There is one good thing about missing you, it means I cannot forget you. I am fearful of the day my memories of you start to fade. The days when I can no longer hear your voice or feel your hugs in my spirit. I pray that on my death bed whenever that comes (hopefully 75 or more years from now) I will still possess a million memories of you.
I just realized that when we reunite in heaven you will be much younger than me. I bet I will still be better looking though.
Love you Black Boy! Blowing kisses to the sky!
#ForeverGerard
Monday, April 30, 2018
No I Don't Feel Better
When someone you love dies people often say "You should feel better knowing he or she is with the Lord now."
Umm....No I don't feel better!
I am human and I want my beloved with me! I want to tell him I love him! I want to see him smile and force a hug upon me. I don't know if I will ever be that sanctified, holy, and filled with Christ that I do not grieve. Quite frankly I don't know if I ever want to feel that way. Grieving a person is not only normal, but it is necessary. Why wouldn't you want to miss someone you loved dearly?
Maybe it's just me....
I understand the person who says these words means no harm by them which is why I do not yell obscenities back at him or her. Instead I merely say them in my head.
That's another thing.....do the stages of grief go in order? I have truly mastered the anger stage.
I don't even know if I am making sense. I just had to say these things out loud.
Umm....No I don't feel better!
I am human and I want my beloved with me! I want to tell him I love him! I want to see him smile and force a hug upon me. I don't know if I will ever be that sanctified, holy, and filled with Christ that I do not grieve. Quite frankly I don't know if I ever want to feel that way. Grieving a person is not only normal, but it is necessary. Why wouldn't you want to miss someone you loved dearly?
Maybe it's just me....
I understand the person who says these words means no harm by them which is why I do not yell obscenities back at him or her. Instead I merely say them in my head.
That's another thing.....do the stages of grief go in order? I have truly mastered the anger stage.
I don't even know if I am making sense. I just had to say these things out loud.
Day 20
Dear Gerard,
It's been twenty days since I received that dreadful call. I can still hear my mama's screams on the phone. I still cannot feel my heart beating inside my chest. My battle to not cry every second of every hour is being won.
Who knew I would miss you this much? My uncle of course (your dad) always told me I would miss you one day. In my wildest dreams I never thought he would be right because I have never imagined my life without you. Not one single day. The day I received news of your passing I could not imagine living one day without you, but here I am twenty days later. I think of Daniel, Cameron, and Maya every day. I need to see them, but I am afraid. I am afraid I will not be able to keep my composure. I refuse to cry in front of them. I know we all miss you. Besides you always counted on me to be strong and stand beside you. I remember the night your daddy died and you called me as you rushed home. You couldn't understand what your mom was saying so you used our system. I always kept you up to date on what was happening in the family. You always called me because I could keep my composure in the worst situations enough to pass along the information.
Man how much I would love for you to call me again so I can ignore your first call because I know with that second phone call the first words out of your mouth will be "Answer the phone woman!" It's funny how you miss the stupidest things when your loved one dies. Over the past twenty days I have been flooded with a million memories of things I miss about you.
You know I have now lived 5 months and 25 days without you.
Missing you everyday!
Blowing kisses at the sky!
#ForeverGerard
It's been twenty days since I received that dreadful call. I can still hear my mama's screams on the phone. I still cannot feel my heart beating inside my chest. My battle to not cry every second of every hour is being won.
Who knew I would miss you this much? My uncle of course (your dad) always told me I would miss you one day. In my wildest dreams I never thought he would be right because I have never imagined my life without you. Not one single day. The day I received news of your passing I could not imagine living one day without you, but here I am twenty days later. I think of Daniel, Cameron, and Maya every day. I need to see them, but I am afraid. I am afraid I will not be able to keep my composure. I refuse to cry in front of them. I know we all miss you. Besides you always counted on me to be strong and stand beside you. I remember the night your daddy died and you called me as you rushed home. You couldn't understand what your mom was saying so you used our system. I always kept you up to date on what was happening in the family. You always called me because I could keep my composure in the worst situations enough to pass along the information.
Man how much I would love for you to call me again so I can ignore your first call because I know with that second phone call the first words out of your mouth will be "Answer the phone woman!" It's funny how you miss the stupidest things when your loved one dies. Over the past twenty days I have been flooded with a million memories of things I miss about you.
You know I have now lived 5 months and 25 days without you.
Missing you everyday!
Blowing kisses at the sky!
#ForeverGerard
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